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Sadly Woolly has passed away
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Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, ***ual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.
We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-freeworking environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.
Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.
Its part of theGovernment's policy on binge drinking.

"Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better
get on with it..................... full speed ahead.

"Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
"Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.

"Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir.
"Nelson: "What?
"Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow'snest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
"Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter withoutdelay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.
"Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
"Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
"Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.
I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
"Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
"Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?

"Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
"Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
"Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're
afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

"Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
"Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not.
"Nelson: "We're not?
"Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.
We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
"Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversityco-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.
"Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.
"Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life
"Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
"Nelson: "What about sodomy?"Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir.
"Nelson: "In that case...............................kiss me, Hardy."
 

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The English did not invent Sodomy.... They just perfected it....

God save your noble Queens! Er, gracious Queen.
 

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:biglaugh: . . . bravo Woolly.
 
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