Jokes - Mercedes Benz SLK Forum

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#1 Old 06-28-2007
 
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Jokes

seeing as Gero loves posting jokes, i thought it best to dedicate a thread solely for jokes...... get the rude ones up lads!


Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy (FROM CORK)
happens
to
look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his
eye.

The sign said "Suits 5.00 each, Shirts 2.00 each, Trousers
2.50
per pair."



Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot
of
dose,
and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when
we
go
into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking
cause
if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak
in
my
best English accent. "



Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." says
Mick.



They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each,
100

shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. I'll
back up
my truck and..."



The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't
you?"
"Well ..... yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y'
know dat?

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."[/
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#2 Old 06-28-2007
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LOL , I liked this part "Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." says
Mick. ''

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#3 Old 06-28-2007
 
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Very good Peter

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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#4 Old 06-28-2007
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Gero, a nice one my friend.

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#5 Old 06-28-2007
 
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A guy goes to the doctor and says "doc, I suffer from premature ejaculation."

The doctor says " well my advice is this, as you feel yourself about to come, shoot a starter pistol in the air. The shock will take your mind off it and you will be able to last longer".

With this advice the guy leaves and goes and buys a starter pistol with a renewed level of confidence.

The Doctor bumps into him in the local supermarket the following week, and says " so how's it going? Did my advice work?"

The guy replies "No doc, it was terrible. My wife and I were feeling really horny and instigated the 69 position. I felt myself start to come, so I fired the pistol in the air. My wife **** on my head, bit my bell end off, and the postman came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air.....
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#6 Old 06-28-2007
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Hahaha, liked the one with the Doctor's advice.

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#7 Old 06-29-2007
 
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"Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I've got some cream for that!"



-------------


Texan: "Where are you from?"

Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
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Doctor? No problem:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed, "she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
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#9 Old 06-29-2007
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LOOOOOOOL @ The Grandma !!!

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#10 Old 06-29-2007
 
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hahahaha good one Gero!
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#11 Old 06-29-2007
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Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to God that he'd created the best motorbike in the world! God disagreed saying BMW was a better designed bike. Harley said : " what do you know about bikes! you created the "woman" and look at the problems we have with them!!!"
"ahem" says God," I think you will find that a lot more men are riding my creation than yours!"

:bann ana:
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#12 Old 06-29-2007
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Nice ones Gero and Wimbledon_SLK

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#13 Old 06-29-2007
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Bubba (No, not Doug's friend....) died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
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#14 Old 06-29-2007
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Q: why do they call the area between a woman's chest and her hips a waist?

































A: 'cuz there's room for another set of boobs there!
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#15 Old 07-02-2007
 
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haha quality!
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#16 Old 07-02-2007
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A man walks into a surgery and punches the doc. " you are a bastard! telling my wife her fanny is nice!" Dr says "no I didn't! I told her she has acute angina!"

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#17 Old 07-02-2007
 
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haha... cracker
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#18 Old 07-02-2007
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here's a couple more quick ones.....

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had $ex with you twice!!!"








My wife said: "If you tie me up, I'll let you do anything you want!" I said, "Okay", tied her up, and went to play golf!
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#19 Old 07-02-2007
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haha I love texas.


Quote:
Originally Posted by N4PWJ View Post
"Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I've got some cream for that!"



-------------


Texan: "Where are you from?"

Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
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#20 Old 07-03-2007
 
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Very good Scott!
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